I’m watching a little Wren as it searches the fading brambles for food. It hops effortlessly, seemingly weightless as it goes about its meal. The Wren chirps from time to time, easily audible in the stillness of the autumn morning. The only other sound is the distant calling of sullen crows. In this quiet moment, my thoughts wander a little and attach themselves to the notion of habit. It is quite possible that the Wren visits the same patch of brambles habitually, only venturing beyond this territory in search of a mate. I consider myself a creature of habit, some good and some less so. Eating has been one of these less than helpful habits and one that has caused me a great deal of distress over the years. I have recently made positive steps towards rectifying my behaviors around eating, though the struggle is very much a daily one. I have used food as a way of regulating my emotions, a practice common in survivors of childhood sexual abuse. The habits, to give them a somewhat unhelpful name, are an intrinsic and deep seated response which in itself renders them complicated and difficult to redress. There is also a painful cycle of shame attached to such behavior which is often difficult to disentangle. Weight loss is a problematic and difficult area for many people but when it is rooted so deeply in childhood trauma, it becomes incredibly complex. I am going through a process of re-evaluating my relationship with food and the emotional triggers it carries. Each day is a challenge, a series of choices in which I try to gently peel away the layers of reactive behaviors while reconsidering what my body needs in both a physical and emotional context.
I’m making progress but like any process of changing behavior, it takes time and patience. I am mindful of being compassionate to myself, allowing myself to be imperfect.
My attention slowly returns to the Wren as it hops quietly, picking at the leaves with a tiny, sharp beak. Perhaps we are not so different, the Wren and I. We are both trying to survive in our respective environments, attempting to adapt to the rapidity of change. The Wren hops out of view and is gone.
Richard Green 2024
